Just when you thought the drama of municipal amalgamations couldn’t get any juicier, Miramichi decided to jump into the ring with a show that makes Campbellton and Tantramar look like a dress rehearsal. Welcome to the latest chapter in New Brunswick’s ongoing saga of small-town shake-ups, where the only thing more varied than the tax rates are the opinions on what the hell is actually going on.
In a move that seems less about efficiency and more about keeping everyone confused, the powers-that-be have decided that Miramichi, too, must follow the path of its northern neighbors. But this isn’t just any amalgamation—it’s a mashup so complex that even the residents aren’t entirely sure who’s in charge anymore. Is it the mayor? The council? Or that mysterious group of old Liberal feminist ladies who seem to be pulling the strings behind the scenes? (You know, the same ones who’ve been quietly “guiding” Campbellton and Tantramar into their brave new futures.)
Leading this three-ring circus is Mayor Edna “No Nonsense” Nipandtuck, a woman who’s made it her mission to bring Miramichi into the modern age—whether the people like it or not. Nipandtuck, with her iron fist and velvet glove, is determined to unify the scattered communities of Miramichi into one cohesive entity, all while keeping a tight lid on any dissent. After all, if Campbellton and Tantramar can do it, so can Miramichi. Right?
But here’s where things get tricky. In an attempt to streamline the tax system, Nipandtuck’s administration has rolled out a new plan that seems to take cues from both Campbellton’s chaotic tax mishmash and Tantramar’s social conformity playbook. The result? A tax code that feels more like a personality test, where your rate depends on which side of the river you live on, how many years you’ve been in town, and whether or not you’ve attended the mandatory “community engagement sessions” led by the Council of Conformity.
Yes, that’s right—the same shadowy group that’s been quietly molding the minds of Campbelltonians and Tantramarites has now set its sights on Miramichi. Their goal? To ensure that everyone in the newly expanded city is on the same page—preferably a page written by them. They’ve already started by rolling out a series of “Miramichi Proud” initiatives, which are less about fostering pride and more about ensuring no one steps out of line.
Take Norman “Naysayer” McGrumble, a long-time resident of what was once Newcastle. He’s been vocal about his opposition to the amalgamation, questioning why he should pay the same taxes as someone across the river in Chatham when the services in his area have only gotten worse. But after a few sternly worded letters from the Council of Conformity, McGrumble’s been keeping a much lower profile. “It’s like they’re trying to turn us into Stepford,” he muttered. “One more ‘community engagement session,’ and I’m moving to the woods.”
Meanwhile, over in what used to be Chatham, Molly Mellowside has embraced the change with open arms—probably because she’s one of the lucky few whose taxes actually went down. “I think it’s wonderful!” she exclaimed. “We’re all coming together as one big family. Sure, some people are upset, but they just need to get with the program. It’s the future!”
But not everyone is so eager to fall in line. There are whispers of resistance—a small but growing group of Miramichiers who are tired of the top-down approach and the feeling that their town is being turned into a carbon copy of Campbellton and Tantramar. They’re organizing, quietly for now, but determined to make their voices heard. After all, Miramichi has always prided itself on being a little rough around the edges, a little rebellious. Why should that change just because the map did?
As the transition period drags on, the residents of Miramichi, Campbellton, and Tantramar find themselves united in one thing: a growing sense of unease about where this is all headed. Will the final result be a more efficient, more unified New Brunswick? Or just a collection of towns that look the same, act the same, and grumble about the same tax rates?
One thing’s for sure: The next few years are going to be interesting. So grab your popcorn, folks, because the show is far from over. And in this circus, you never know what’s coming next—except, of course, more taxes.*